Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
