Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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