I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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