you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
