Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I need to sanitize my soul.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
