Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
