Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I got inside last night via doggy door
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
