cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
