"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
