my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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