We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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