I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
