It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
