ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I look better un-naked...
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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