Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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