She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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