he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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