youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
