I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
