I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
