I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
