Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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