i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
