my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
