You're my little dorito
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
