I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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