Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize