There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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