BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
