It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
