After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
