textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
