my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i just made my gag reflex go away.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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