did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
