I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
