she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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