Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
