Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
no you cant smoke seaweed
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
