He asked me if I "almost moaned"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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