I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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