don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
