my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
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