she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
It's like God shit irony all over that family
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
false alarm, still single
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
