Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
