I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
