Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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