I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My life is pants optional.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize