The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
