If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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