My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i think i just lost a toe
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