They should really pass out barf bags in church
im holly from the hills drunk
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
