Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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