On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
