I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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