??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The Olympian is in my bed
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
