I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
