people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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