i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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