What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
