Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
