I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize